


Digging Up Secrets

by problemforfuturetech



Series: Rewriting your own story [1]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M, Hate Crime, Trans Jake Peralta, Trans Male Character, headed towards jake peralta/amy santiago, lgbt violence, trans!Jake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-01-09 07:10:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12271461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/problemforfuturetech/pseuds/problemforfuturetech
Summary: Jake takes on a case that hits a little to hard to home and might expose something Jake has never told the rest of the team.May change rating in later chapters.





	1. There's Been a Murder

 

When Captain Holt came up to Jake with a new case he couldn’t have been happier. The entire month had been slow and the only other case he had worked was an open and close B&E at the beginning of the week. Other than that he had been doing back to back paperwork, so when Holt came to him with a murder case he happily grabbed Santiago and went to the crime scene no questions asked. In hindsight he wishes he had asked a few questions because standing over the body Jake felt like he was going to be sick. He would rather be doing months of his paperwork, and Amy’s paperwork, and hell he would do Rosa’s paperwork if it got him out of this. It wasn’t the blood on the ground that made him sick or even how beaten in this 18 year old boy’s face was, unfortunately he had seen stuff like this before. No what was making him sick was the case file in his hand:

 

_ Name: Mayvers, Ashley T _

_ DOB: Sep 16, 1999 _

_ Alies/Moniker/Nickname: Alex Mayvers _

_ Mental Illnesses: Gender Identity Disorder  _

 

He wanted to throw up, and it was made worse when he saw the notes left on the paper by this child’s mother.

_ Ashley is under the illusion that she is a boy after a fight about the matter she stormed out and we haven’t seen her in three days. She left with none of her things. _

He could feel his breath getting heavier and he could vaguely hear Amy calling his name off to the side but his focus was now on the file in front of him. There was no question about what happened here, he was sure it was some sort of hate crime. He had seen some stuff like this before, kids beaten in alleys on the way back from a gay bar, it was awful but it never hit home the way this has. A trans kid on the ground dead, he didn’t even make it a block away from the bar, they had already taken a statement from the bar owner and the kid had been in there the night before, and they found a fake ID on the body. According to the bartender he didn’t even drink, he was probably only there to be around people like him, Jake got that. That was the whole problem, Jake understood it all too well. The yelling between son and mother, the storming out, escaping to somewhere else he felt at home, where he wasn’t misgendered. The only difference was Jake got to make it home the next day and he got to repair his relationship with his mother and he continued to live his life. The kid in front of him on the ground wasn’t going to get that chance.

 

“Jake, Jake! Can you even hear me?” Santiago’s questioning finally broke him out of his trance. 

 

“Huh umm yeah, I can hear you. I’ve uh gotta go, uh check on something back at the precinct. You wrap up here, I’ll meet you back at the 99.” Jake walked off without waiting for an answer leaving a confused Amy behind him. 

 

* * *

 

“Peralta what are you doing here, aren’t you and Detective Santiago supposed to be out on a case? She just called and said you left without an explanation, what the hell is going on?” Terry was immediately on Jake as he exited the elevator. Jake just handed Terry the file. Terry and Gina were the only ones in the 99 that would understand. Gina knew him before he transitioned and was his biggest cheerleader during the transition. Terry found out because Jake spilled to him drunk one night, Jake never got that drunk again, even though Terry handled it surprisingly well. 

 

He could tell when Terry finally found what had lead Jake to leave the crime scene, he closed his eyes, took a deep breath and closed the file. “I’m sorry man, I wouldn’t have let Holt give you the case if I knew. I’ll take you off it right now, Diaz can handle it.” 

 

“No!” Terry looked up surprised, and Jake can’t say he blamed him, he was a little surprised at himself, “No I want to be on the case, I was just a little shocked is all.”

 

“Jake I don’t think that’s the best idea, you are emotionally invested in the content of this case.”

 

“Terry you know I do my best work when I’m the most invested and emotional investment is the best investment there is right? You know that if anyone is going to bring this son of a bitch in it’s going to be me. Please keep me on this.” 

 

“Ok but for the record I think this is a bad idea, so one sign that you can’t handle this case I’m taking you off it and putting Diaz on.” 

 

“Cool cool cool, awesome, let's take down a murderer.” 


	2. Building a case

“Jake what the hell, you can’t just up and leave me at a crime scene alone like that. What’s going on?” Amy storms into the precinct and makes a beeline to Jake and slams a file down on his desk. 

 

“Well Amy it’s funny you ask, I had very urgent matters to attend here, just ask the Sergeant.” Jake plastered a smile on his face and hoped it was convincing. 

 

“Yeah ok whatever Peralta. That’s the file with all the photos from the crime scene. I’m not going to sit around and catch you up so you better read up.” With that Amy walked away back towards the elevator.

 

“Yeah you know I will Santiago! Where are you going!” 

 

“I’m going to go take reports from people we know were at the bar that night, are you coming?” Jake scampered up from his desk, grabbing his jacket. 

 

“Yeah, yeah I’m coming. Wait up!”

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as Amy and Jake walked into the bar she walked straight up to the bar. “Hey, I’m Detective Santiago, this is Detective Peralta. I was wondering if you would talk to us about a patron here. Ashley Mayvers?” Both Jake and the bartender tensed at that. 

 

“Alex Mayvers, she ment Alex Mayvers. Unfortunately his mother filled out the form and Alex is under his nicknames.” The bartender relaxed as Jake stepped forward, “Alex was murdered just over 24 hours ago. His body was found just under a block away and we have reason to believe he was here that night.” 

 

“Um yeah, yeah he was in. Alex drops in from time to time, never drinks though. He’ll be missed around here, he had a lot of friends, he was a good guy, shitty family life, but that’s the same for a lot of us around here,” the man paused. “And Detective Santiago? Take a page out of your partner's book on this one and don’t use anyone’s dead name. We call it that for a reason. Ashley died long before Alex did, just make sure you remember who you’re fighting for here.” Santiago just noded. 

 

“Do you think we could talk to the owner of this place? Would it be worth our time?” Jake picked the conversation back up.

 

“Yeah, Liam was close with Alex actually. He took the kid under his wing. Liam will have a better idea of where to point you next. He should be in the back, feel free to talk to him now if you want.”

 

“Thank you…?”

 

“Max.”

 

“Thank you Max.”

 

“Thank you Detective Peralta, Detective Santiago,” and with that they headed to the back room of the bar. 

 

* * *

 

“Hey Liam could we talk to you about Alex Mayvers?” Jake asks as Liam lets them into the staff room. 

 

“Yeah, yeah I could.” Liam shifted on his feet clearly nervous, which was strange, he shouldn’t be worried about anything.

 

“What’s got you so nervous Liam?” Santiago asked.

 

“It’s just, well you know obviously, you have Alex’s file. And Alex and I were close, I knew everything about that boy.” Santiago still looked confused but it finally clicked for Jake.

 

“You don’t have to worry. We’re concerned with catching a murderer, plus we have witnesses saying he didn’t drink.”

 

“It’s just there are tons of underaged kids in the city whose parents don’t accept them and I just want to offer them a place to be safe. We don’t really let the kids drink.” 

 

“Look Liam you’re a good guy and there should be more guys with the intentions you do. Now about Alex, did he ever have problems with anyone, anyone who may have gotten violent?” 

 

“Uh yeah, I can think of a few people. His step-brother, Justin, never accepted Alex, always stepping up the insults he threw at Alex, apparently Justin also has a history of beating the people who annoy him. You can ask his school about that they should back it up. He goes to St. Joseph’s, where Alex went.”

 

“Anyone else?” Amy jumped in at this point. 

 

“Uh a couple of kids from school were always giving Alex trouble. Can’t recall all of their names right now but they were all Business Admin Majors.”

 

“Thank you Liam, is there anyone else Alex was close with here?” Jake had what he needed now and he was anxious to solve this case as soon possible. 

 

“Yeah, yeah this guy Carter Brandwine, he’s just out of college and he works down in time square, he’s working on for one of the Broadway shows down there. He’s an usher for Lion King at the Minskoff theatre. He was actually hanging out with Alex that night.”

 

“Thank you Liam, and for what it’s worth I’m gonna bring whoever the fuck did this in and they are not getting off.” Liam smiled

 

“You know Jake, I know people here were nervous about cops around here, people were afraid things might go south. We’ve got a lot of LGBT and POC around here and those groups don’t have the best relationship with cops. But you’re a good guy Jake, you’re fighting for the right people. Thank you.” Jake smiled back at Liam.

 

“Well some of us actually care about the people who really need help, I’ll do what I can to start to make this right.” And with that Jake and Amy walked back into the bar.


	3. Bring Him In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ment to get this up yesterday but travel plans got in the way.

As soon as the two detectives step out of the bar Amy’s phone rings and she steps off to the side to answer it. Jake takes the time to lean back against the brick wall off the bar-front. He needed to get this case over with quick. The longer they were on it the more he felt like he was being exposed to the world. Amy walked back over to him.

 

“That was Charles, they just got the tapes from outside the bar from the night Ash- Alex was murdered. Captain Holt wants one of us to come in and review them. I’ll take that if you want to head over to the theater and talk to Carter.” 

 

“Yeah sure sounds good to me,” Amy stops him before he was able to walk off back to his car. “You did a great job in there Jake, I slipped up and you jumped in and covered the situation, so thank you.”

 

“No problem, we have eachother’s backs no matter what, right?” Jake didn’t mean to sound as unsure as he did and Amy definitely caught on. 

 

“Of course we do Jake, are you ok?” She stepped towards him.

 

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine let's get to work and find this SOB.”

 

* * *

 

Jake walks into the box office and walks up to the window, “Detective Jake Peralta, NYPD, I’m here to talk to Carter Brandwine, one of the ushers here?”

 

“Yeah I’ll go get him, you can wait here,” the woman left past the double doors before returning with a man. 

 

“Hey Carter, I’m here to talk with you about Alex Mayvers. I was just talking to Liam and I was wondering if you could tell me the names of the kids who had been harassing Alex at school. Liam couldn’t name them, I was hoping you could.” 

 

“Well I can’t name all of them but they are all part of the same group and from what Alex would tell me there seems to be a leader of their little pack. His name is Gary O’Brien, he and his whole group are business administration majors.”

 

“Thank you Carter, that should be enough of a lead to track him down.” 

 

“Glad to help, Alex was a good kid. He should still be around.”

 

“Yeah, yeah he should. Well I'll let you get back to your job and I'll keep going with mine.” 

 

“Could you keep me update, on the case I mean, Alex was a good friend.” 

 

“Of course.” His phone went off, “Well I should take this. See you around.”

He picked up the call. “Detective Peralta.”

 

“Hey Jake it’s Amy. I’ve gone over the tapes and I think I found the guy. At about 1 am Alex left the bar and a kid about about his age starts following him. The cameras lose sight of them when the kid grabs Alex and pulls him into the alley. 10 minutes later the kid runs out alley with a pipe, so he probably still has the murder weapon or it’s dumped somewhere nearby. I got a look at his face but the video quality isn’t good enough to run facial. It’s definitely not his brother though. Do you have any other names I can run and try to see if I can find anyone who looks like the kid in the video?” 

 

“Yeah actually, one of the kids from Alex’s school. Gary O’Brien, he’s a business administration major.”

 

“Yup got him. He has a record of petty theft from a few years ago. Jake I think we’ve got him, this could be the guy.” 

 

“Then let's head over to St. Joseph’s college. Let’s get this bastard.”

 

“Don’t do anything without me Jake.”

 

“Ugh you never let me do anything fun.”

 

* * *

 

Amy banged on the door of Gary’s dorm, “NYPD, open up!” The door opened and Jake was faced with Gary O'Brien, and he wanted to fight. Instead he took a step back and let Amy take over. 

 

“Hey officers, can I help you?” O'Brien was nervous, this kid wasn’t a practiced murderer, he shouldn’t be hard to crack. 

 

“We are hear to talk to you about the murder of Alex Mayvers.” Jake jumped in trying to speed things up. 

 

“Why are you here? I don’t know anything about that.” Lie 

 

“Yeah well the camera footage says differently so why don’t you come down to the station.”

 

“Yeah I’d rather stay here thanks,” Amy, sensing Jake’s anger took back over.

 

“You don’t actually have a choice. Gary O’Brien you are under arrest for the murder of Alex Mayvers. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say say can and may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you can not afford one, one will be appointed to you.”


	4. A Confession

Gary O’Brien’s interrogation was not long lived, at least it wasn’t for Jake. He and Amy had gone in together and Jake may have taken his role as ‘Bad Cop’ a little too far. It all reached a peak only 2 minutes in, when O’Brien said, “Look I don’t know anything about that tranny,” and Jake may have gotten a little angry.

“He was just a kid so shut your damn mouth you unapologetic-”

“PERALTA!” Sergeant Jeffords opened the door to the interrogation room and pulled Jake up, “We’re going now, I’m pulling you out.”

Now Jake was stuck at his desk waiting for Santiago to come out of the interrogation room. He knew he lost his cool in there and it frustrated him. Ten years of being a transgender man and he still never felt accepted. What the hell was wrong with him? He’s passing, isn’t that enough? He was brought out of his thoughts by Amy sitting in the chair next to his desk.

“He confessed, it took longer than it should have but I got a written confession and everything.”

“Good, good. The DA should take it from here then. Good. Well I’ll take care of all the paperwork”

“Jake what is happening with you? You’re willingly taking on paperwork, you freaked out in the interrogation room, and you’ve just been weird since we got on this case.”

“It’s nothing Santiago don’t worry about it, I’m fine.” Amy did not look like she was buying it but luckily she seemed to be willing to leave it. Jake was very thankful for that.

“Fine. Someone has to update Alex’s mother do you want to do it together or would you like me to do it?”

“Let’s both do it. It’s always easier that way, when it’s a kid.”

* * *

 

“Hello Mrs. Mayvers we wanted to update you on your… child’s case.” Jake decided to tread lightly with this. Despite the fact that Jake was frustrated with Mrs. Mayvers’ attitude towards her son she was still mourning the loss of a child.

“Yes? What’s happened?”  
“We brought in a young man by the name of Gary O’Brien. He confessed to the crime.”

“Why did he do it, what did he have against my daughter?” Jake took a deep breath before answering.

“Well. It was a hate crime, Gary admitted to beating your child because of Alex’s identity... “

“I told her that her stupid illusions were going to get her hurt. And now I don’t have a daughter because of it.” Jake was slowly losing his grip.

“With all due respect ma’am, you didn’t lose your daughter,” he felt Amy tense beside him.

“What?”

“You lost your son.”

“Excuse me detective but you knew nothing about my daughter.” Amy stepped in to diffuse the situation.

“Of course, we’re terribly sorry.”

“Well if you would like a chance to get to know the girl you fought for come by Ashley’s funeral tomorrow.” She handed Santiago a paper with the address for a church on it as well as times.

“We’ll be sure to make it. Thank you for your time.” Santiago got up signaling that Jake could finally leave. He didn’t hesitate in getting up and walking out the door as fast as possible. Amy followed him out. “Jake what is going on with you? She’s mourning a child.”

“Leave it Amy, seriously.”

“We are going back to the precinct, now. Get in the car.” They didn’t talk on the way back to the station. Jake was fine with that. It had taken everything in him to sit there and hear Alex’s mother talk about her son. There was a time, before he had sat down with his mother, where his mother would have acted the same if he had died. So yes he felt a little bad, Alex’s mother was just doing what she thought was best, even if it is fucking bullshit.   
When Amy pulled into the parking garage they both got out without a word. He followed Amy into the elevator where the silence continued. When the door finally opened to the bullpen Amy grabbed him by the hand and pulled him to Terry’s desk. “Sergeant Jeffords, Jake has been acting impulsively-”

“Amy this isn’t new, is there a reason you are bothering me with this.”

“And acting rudely towards the victim’s mother.” That grabbed Terry’s attention and Jake refused to make eye contact.

“Jake’s never rude to the victim’s family, well not really, a bad joke here and there but he was actually rude?”

“I’m right here,” he mumbled under his breath but the other two ignored him.

“Yes he was actually rude. She made a comment about her daughter dying and-”

“Oh.”

“What? Oh what?”

“Um Jake do you uh want to talk?” Amy just looked confused as Terry turned to him.

“No. I don’t. Please.”

“Ok. For now. But you should really find someone to talk to.” Terry turned back to his work, Jake walked off, and Amy was left there in confusion about what the hell just happened and with a new determination to find out what Jake was keeping from her. 


	5. What ifs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin comes in and talks to Jake.

After the meeting with Mrs. Mayvers Jake threw himself into the paperwork for the case. See the problem was every official paper still said Ashley on it. Alex had only legally changed his name two days prior to his death and the documents had yet to change. Unless Jake himself did it they probably never would, who cares about a dead kids name after all. Jake however was determined, as he saw it, it was the last thing he could do to help Alex. After all, if Jake died in the field he sure as hell would want Jake on all the papers, he didn’t want to die as someone he’s not, just the thought that Alex wasn’t going to have his name on his gravestone sucked a little hope out of him. 

The big problem was the government was a bitch and it was slow. He kept hitting walls as he was filling out papers. Because of the name change Jake had to go through multiple people to change some of the paperwork and these people didn’t see the importance of what Jake was doing. About 4 hours into all of this Jake had enough and slammed his hands down on his desk. 

 

“What the fuck!! Why is this so hard!!!” 

 

“Detective Peralta is there a problem?”

 

* * *

 

It was one of those rare days where Kevin came into meet him for lunch in his office. Despite the fact that some of Holt’s coworkers were growing on Kevin, he was still slightly uncomfortable in the precinct. Though as soon as the door of his office closed behind Kevin his husband visibly relaxes.   

 

“I’m sorry I can’t get out of the office today. Thank you for agreeing to lunch here.” He says as Kevin sits on the couch next to him and turns towards him. 

 

“Of course Raymond, I do miss you while we are apart, I’m just glad the I am able to come into the precinct now without…” Kevin trailed off as he looked out into the bullpen.

 

“Yes these detectives are much preferable company to my old coworkers.” Kevin let out a small laugh at that. 

 

“Yes that is one way to put the lack of racism and homophobia directed towards you.” Kevin’s hand found his and that sat in silence for a while until a crash came from the bullpen. Holt shot up from the couch, Kevin following after him as he walks into the bullpen just in time to see Peralta yell,

 

“What the fuck!! Why is this so hard!!!” Kevin let out a snort next to him which he ignored. 

 

“Detective Peralta is there a problem?”

 

“Uh no sir sorry.” Jake looked back at his computer obviously distressed. The sergeant got up from his desk and walked over to Jake and Holt watched as Jeffords put a hand on Peralta’s shoulder and Jake relaxed. Holt barely heard Jake’s next words. “I’m sorry, it’s just hard.” Holt had never heard his detective so broken before as Jake hid his head in his arms on the desk. Kevin leaned towards Holt. 

 

“What’s wrong with Peralta?”

 

“I have no idea.” Kevin raised an eyebrow at that, he knew that Holt prided himself on knowing everything that happened in the nine-nine. “I should go talk to him.”

 

“Wait.” Kevin held out a hand to stop his husband. “What case is he working on?” 

 

“Just a low stakes murder. Nothing big.” He could hardly believe his eyes as Kevin walked over and sat down at his detective’s desk. 

 

* * *

 

 

Jake looked up as he felt someone sit down on the chair next to his desk and he was surprised to see it was Kevin. Neither of them said a word besides a quick, “Is this the case?” from Kevin as he picked up Alex’s file. Jake just nodded as he looked back to his screen. Kevin flipped through the case file. At one point Amy came back to her desk. 

 

“Kevin? What are you- Do you need something?” Amy had always been a little (a lot) jittery around Holt’s significant other. 

 

“Ah Detective Santiago, I decided to keep Detective Peralta company after he had a little… breakdown a few seconds ago.”

 

“Jake what is going on with you I swear this case is making you weird.” Jake grunted not taking his eyes off his work. 

 

* * *

 

 

Kevin finally felt all the pieces click into place in his head. He was almost positive that his assumptions were right. He was surprised his husband didn’t catch on, after all Raymond had gone through the same thing on some of his cases. Though Kevin supposes it’s all easier to see from the outside. Jake evidently needed someone and no one in the precinct seemed to know or be willing to step in. 

 

“Jake let’s go out to the balcony.” Kevin got up waiting for Jake to get over his confusion before walking towards the balcony, Jake following behind him. 

 

“Kevin what can I do you fo-”

 

“Jake are you transgender?” Kevin decided to be as straight forward as possible. Jake was silent for the longest time, which was understandable, Kevin looked out onto the street and waited for Jake to talk.

 

“Does Captain Holt know?”

 

“Not to my knowledge. Raymond likes to think he knows everything about everyone here but that leads him to overlook some things.”

 

“How did you know then?”

 

“Jake you’re not exactly subtle. The case mixed with your erratic behavior, it made sense that you identified with it and it seems you have taken the case to heart. I saw it happen to Raymond a few times when he worked hate crimes. You’re too close to the others, they couldn’t see it, they all think they know you so well. Does anyone here know?”

 

“Terry and Gina. Terry figured out pretty soon after we met, Gina knew me before.” 

 

“And they aren’t helping you?” 

 

“They are trying, I’m not exactly good at accepting help.” 

 

“Yes, not many people are.”

 

“I just…” Jake trailed off   

 

“What Jake?” Kevin asked after Jake was silent for a while. 

 

“It’s just,” Jake took a breath before continuing, “It scares the shit out of me. That one day I could die, on a case or in the street or in my own home, and one of the papers, or god forbid my grave, won’t say Jake Peralta, what if something has my dead name and I’m too dead to change it. I’m afraid that I won’t die as myself, I’ll die a stranger that I meant to forget years ago.”

 

Kevin took a breath and he and Jake sat in silence for a while as Jake relaxed just a little. “Jake, no one here would let that happen. I promise you, that no matter how or when you die, no one will let you die as anyone other than Jake Peralta. I think you know that, so that leads to the question, what are you really upset about?”

Jake took a pause to think before answering quietly, “Kevin, so many trans kids are dying. Murder and suicide rates are crazy and I can’t help but think… I mean… I’m not helping, didn’t I sign up for this job to save lives, am I withholding something that could help people? Am I hurting people by staying in the closet, by letting people believe im cis?”

 

Jake could see the gears turning in Kevin’s head. “Well I would start by saying, you have no  obligation to be out, all people can ask is you fight for what you believe in. That being said, yes it could help people if you were out as a transgender man. Raymond, for example, still gets letters from young officers, kids, people he stuck his neck out for, thanking him simply for being himself in the public eye. I won’t lie to you and say it would make no difference but you have to be comfortable with being out in an environment where you may get push back.”

 

“What if I lose my job? I can do more good in this job than out of it. People like me get fired all the time, no one says it’s because we’re trans. It’s always because of some stupid, bullshit reason that no one questions, because no one wants to work with a freak.” Jake’s voice cracked and he hung his head trying to hide his coming tears from Kevin. 

 

“Oh Jake, you really have no idea do you?” Jake looked up and Kevin’s heart broke at the tears in the younger man’s eyes. Confusion blooming on his face.

 

“What?”

 

“Not a single soul in there would let you lose your job over this. Raymond alone will fight until his last breath to keep you on his detective squad. Jake I’m not saying you have to or should go in there right now and scream to the bullpen that you are a trans man. I’m not saying you have to tell a single soul. I will say though that I think the people here will surprise you.” Jake was silent and Kevin let out a sigh before getting up and straightening his suit jacket. He walked towards the door back into the precinct, but stopped and turned back as Jake spoke up.

 

“Thank you, Kevin.”

 

“You’re welcome, Jake.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is going to be awhile. I'm in 10pm production calls for the next few weeks and the next chapter is going to take a lot of work and I want to get it right.


	6. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake has a talk with Alex's mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was posted a little later than I hoped but what are you gonna do.

After Kevin left Jake sat there for a while before jolting up and walking back into the bullpen. Without a word to Santiago he grabbed his badge and jacket. 

 

“Jake where are you going? Are you ok? What were you talking with Kevin about?”

 

“Going to talk to Alex’s mother. I’m going to be fine. Kevin was helping me out.”

 

“Jake let me go with you, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to talk to Alex’s mother alone.”

 

“Please Amy,” Jake turned to her and the desperation in his eyes was so clear it shocked her, “please let me do this, alone.” She sat back in her chair and nodded. Jake was off as soon as she did. As he walked to his car he noticed his hands were shaking. He stopped in the middle of the parking garage and took a breath, closing his eyes as he focused on the air in his lungs, trying to still the shaking in his hands. After minutes of this he opened his eyes and continued to his car, taking one more breath before turning the key.

 

* * *

 

He walked up the stoop of the Mayvers’ house and knocked on the door before he could lose his nerve. Mrs. Mayvers opened the door and her face went to stone as she saw it was Jake. 

 

“Look sir I answered your questions I think you should go.”

 

“Mrs. Mayvers please, I came to apologize, and talk. Could I please come in.” Mrs. Mayvers steps to the side and gestures for Jake to come in. She leads Jake to the living room they were in before. She sat across from him and stayed silent, waiting for Jake to begin. “Look I’m sorry for losing my temper with you, it was unprofessional and more importantly it was insensitive. I’m sorry I implied you didn’t love your kid, of course you did. I think it may help to lend my point of view on the situation if you don’t mind?”    

 

“Of course, continue.” Jake nodded and took a breath.

 

“I took your son’s case, and I’ve put so much time into it, much more time than was considered normal for a detective. And I did that because the moment I saw Alex’s file I felt like I. I took the case because I… I just… I saw myself on the pavement. And those are the cases that they tell you never to take, emotional involvement and all that. I couldn’t help it though, and I’ve always been one for breaking the rules.”

“I don’t understand, what do you mean you saw yourself on the pavement?” 

 

“Mrs. Mayvers there was a time in my life, when I was just a little younger than Alex, where my mother was the same as you. Everyone in my life was very similar to you. I wasn’t Jake to them and I wasn’t my mother’s son, I was just her little girl.” Jake paused trying to ease the tension that has built up as he talked. “The day I told my mom that I was a boy we fought for hours before storming out. I just, I thought she hated me, that she didn’t want to accept me because she was disgusted by me. It was a few days later when I realized what had happened. When I was born my mom expected me to have a certain life, an amazing life, I would graduate college, get married to a nice man, have 2.5 kids and a suburban house. Every parent wants their kids to be happy and healthy and face little adversity. My mom knew my life could be hell if I came out, I could be killed, be a victim of hate crimes, or discriminated against everyday and no one wants that for their kid. What she didn’t understand was living as someone I wasn’t was killing me, it was painful and I hated myself, I can stand others hating me but hating yourself everyday is awful. And when I came out I didn’t say any of that, I came out and I had decided that I was comfortable with myself and I wouldn’t care what my mother thought or how she felt. I didn’t care what she wanted but all she ever wanted was for me to be happy. Isn’t that what everyone wants for their kids?”

 

“Of course, and all that horrible stuff you were saying, it happens, it happened. She deserved the world. My little girl was brilliant and now she’s dead because she went around people she was a boy.” 

 

“Yeah Alex is dead, and yeah him being trans brought those chances up and it was the reason he was attacked, and that is terrifying. It’s awful and scary but I promise Alex knew the risks. He was a smart kid, I talked to friends and he knew who he was and it would have been heartbreaking to force him to be anything less than what he was.” Jake took a pause. “You know I walked out and didn’t talk to my mother for 6 months. She called me actually. She had done research while I was gone, she realized she needed to understand so she talked to community members and all that and after 6 months of that she finally understood, enough to love the me that I loved. I’ve never been closer to my mother than after that, because my mom now had a relationship with me where I wasn’t lying to her. Not only all that but she has become this huge advocate, she helps answer questions of parents like her, who don’t know what to do after their kid comes out, or how to repair a relationship. I wish I had helped her get there you know. I wish I hadn’t left her to figure it all out on her own I could have gone so much differently. So instead I’m here, because Alex can’t be, but he deserves to be remembered as someone he would have been proud of. So my advice is do some research.” Jake slid a scrap of paper onto the coffee table in between them. “That’s my mom’s email, she would be happy to talk to you, she’s much better at talking to parents then I am but feel free to call me. I’m sorry for thinking you didn’t love Alex, I got a little caught up in old scars I guess.” 

 

There was a long silence before Mrs. Mayvers spoke, Jake trying to resist picking at his hands the whole time. He had always been uncomfortable with silence. When she did start talking her voice was shaking and Jake looked up from his hands to see tears in her eyes. “I miss my child Detective Peralta, and I want my child back in any form possible.” She pause to recover for a second. “Thank you Peralta, for coming, and you so remind me a bit of… of Alex. Alex was always just as persistent and caring as you are.” 

 

“Thank you Mrs. Mayvers -”

 

“Please call me Ellen.”

 

“Well thank you Ellen, I appreciate you giving me some of your time.” Jake got up and followed Ellen to the door. 

 

“I hope to see you at the funeral Detective Peralta.” 

 

“Of course.” And with that Jake left the Mayvers’ house.    

 

* * *

 

As Jake was driving back to the precinct he pulled over to the side of the road. The car was suddenly to small. He stumbled out of the car and walked around to the back and sat on the trunk. He brought his knees up to his head and tried to control his breathing. His thoughts were moving so quickly he couldn’t even dwell on each of them before they were replaced by more. God he was going to do this wasn’t he. He was going to do it, no matter what happened, he was going to go into the precinct tomorrow and he was going to come out by the end of the day.


	7. The Pieces Fall Into Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to get up, I had three ten page papers due back to back and a lot of projects and shows I'm working on. We are nearing the end people.

 

When Jake pulled back into the precinct he made a beeline for Gina’s desk, nearly running through the bullpen, and sat down across from her. Gina looks up, slightly startled as Jake basically throws himself down onto her desk. 

 

“Hey Jake, what’s up. You look a little panicked.”

“I’m gonna do it Gina.” He whispered across the desk to her.

 

“Do what Jake? Are you gonna kill someone? Don’t do it Jake, do you know what they do to cops in prison? Cuz I’m sure it’s not pretty.” Gina started whispering to it too.

 

“What, no Gina, I’m not going to kill anyone, what?”

 

“Well then I’m confused, what’s going on?”

 

“I’m going to tell everyone tomorrow, at morning briefing, I’m going to come out.” 

 

“Jake are you serious? That’s great! I’m so excited! Do you want me to choreograph a dance for you, or get confetti.” Gina got louder and Jake genuinely smiled for the first time today. 

 

“Gina, quiet please. And no, I think I’m good without the theatrics.” 

 

“Jake can I ask a question?” The smile slipped off Jake’s face, Gina never asked permission to question him unless it was serious.

 

“Yeah, of course you can.”

 

“Why now? I mean you’ve been on the force for years. Why come out now?”

 

“Honestly I’ve been scared Gina. I’ve been scared of being rejected, of people’s opinions.”

 

“What changed?” 

 

“Well first of all, I’m still terrified, I mean who wouldn’t be? But Kevin and I talked and I think I could do good things on this force if I’m out. I can do this now, I hope.”

 

“Well I think you’re right, you could be 100% more awesome if everyone knew you were a trans icon.” 

 

“Gina, come on.”

 

“Seriously Jake, you’re super awesome as yourself, not as the lame dude you’ve convinced yourself you have to be.”

 

“Thanks Gina.”

 

“No problem Jake. And if anyone gives you any problems after tomorrow I will make their life a living hell. I’m very creative.” Jake let out a small laugh at that.

 

“Yeah, yeah you are.” Jake smiled at Gina as he paused, “I’m going to go talk to Terry then I think I’m going to head out. See you tomorrow.”

 

“See you later Jake.”

 

* * *

 

 

It was a few hours later, nearing the end of the day shift, when Jake finally walked over to Terry’s desk. “Hey Terry can we talk? Preferably not in the middle of the bullpen.” Terry got up and put his hand on Jake’s shoulder and lead him down the hallway towards the bathrooms. They slipped into a viewing room off the nearest interrogation room.

 

“What’s up Jake?”

 

“I’m gonna do it.” Jake starts to bounce on the balls of his feet suddenly having an access of energy. “I’m going to come out to everyone. I thought about it and yeah it may be a career ending mistake but, I mean I’ve made plenty of those before and here I am. So yeah I’m doing it tomorrow, at the morning briefing and I guess I wanted to let you know, you know before I do it.” Jake was rambling now and he knew it but he couldn’t stop now so he was glad when Terry interrupted him.

 

“Jake, Jake slow down. I think that’s amazing and you know I’ve got your back no matter what happens. Thank you for the warning and I will provide any necessary emotional support you need.” 

 

“Cool cool cool cool cool cool. Yeah ok I’m going home for the day I think, after I have a chat with Amy about the case.” 

 

“Of course, I’ll see you tomorrow Jake. Get some sleep.” 

 

“Thanks Terry.” Terry just smiled as Jake left the room. Jake scanned the bullpen for his partner, who he spotted coming back from the break room to sit at her desk. He walked up to her desk and sat in the chair to the side. “Santiago, I finished up the paperwork for the case so I think I’m going to head out now. I wanted to apologize for being weird today. It was a weird day so, my bad I guess.”           

 

“I get it, cases that involve kids dead on the street are always hard.”

 

“Can I ask you a question? Not professionally speaking, but a personal question.” Santiago looks at him strangely and gives a hesitant reply.

 

“Yeah sure.” 

 

“What did you think of Alex’s mother?”

 

“Oh well she was obviously shaken, fairly nonthreatening -”

 

“No Amy your personal opinion, imagine her kid hadn’t died, what would you have thought of her then.”

 

“I think she was misinformed and ignorant.” Amy reluctantly answered. “I mean that could have been because of the situation but I certainly don’t think that she ever helped Alex’s situation while he was alive, which I know is a horrible thing to say but…” Amy trailed off. 

 

Jake nodded his head, “Okay, thank you Amy.” Jake begins to get up.

 

“Wait Jake, why do you ask?”

 

“I just wanted to get a read Ames. Just wanted a read.” And with that Jake sauntered off leaving a very confused Amy behind. 

 

* * *

 

As Jake began to drive home he made the decision to veer off course towards Holt’s house. Of course Holt would not be there, he was still at work and would stay there for the next two hours. Jake sat in the driveway to Captain Holt’s house for 10 minutes gathering his courage before going up to the door and knock on the door. Seconds later Kevin opens the door and doesn’t seem surprised to see Jake at his door.

 

“I was wondering when you were going to make it to the door.” Kevin says with a small smile on his face. “Come in Jake.” 

 

Jake steps in the door. “I wanted to stop by and let you know I’m going to come out tomorrow, at the morning briefing.”

 

“That’s good Jake. I really think this is the right choice.”

 

“Yeah so do I, obviously, but I’m still so fucking nervous.”

 

“That’s completely understandable but Jake you have very little reason to be scared.”

 

“Will you be there” Jake suddenly blurted out and immediately started to back track. “I’m sorry that’s stupid you don’t have to-”

 

“I would be glad to be there Jake. Whatever you need from me to help you feel better I am willing to provide it.”

 

“Thank you Kevin.”

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow Jake.”

 

“Of course,” and with that Jake lets himself out.

 

Now all that’s left is to actually do it. There’s no turning back now. 


	8. Coming Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it folks, the last chapter!! I got into the groove today and was able to turn out the whole last chapter and since the last one was so late I thought I would upload this asap. I defiantly want to do more surrounding this story but we'll see. I currently have an unrelated story lined up so... 
> 
> I hope you like it, I tried to meet people's expectations with the coming out scene and I hope y'all are happy with it. I think I am happy with it and I guess that's all I can ask for.

To say that Jake was nervous is the biggest understatement of the century. He has faced down gun men and bombers but this was something different. It wasn’t the nervousness he gets when out on a case. It isn’t the rush of adrenaline and the crazy energy he gets chasing someone down the streets of New York City. This was the nervousness that takes over every facet of being. It makes his breathing come in quick and shallow. It makes his hands shake and his head hurt. He tried to calm down as he took a shower, letting the warm water flow over his face with his eyes closed. The sensation was calming enough but every few minutes he would remember what he was going to do today and he would begin to struggle breathing again. Nonetheless Jake was determined to do this so he got in the car and tried not crash it on the way to the precinct.

He got there much earlier than normal, the consequence of his heightened anxiety for the day. As soon as he walked in he was joined by the other detectives. Charles was the first to speak up, “Jake! Kevin is here!”

 

Amy butted in then, “Nobody seems to know why, even Captain Holt seems a little confused on why Kevin came in with him this morning. I’ve been lip reading from out here and Kevin won’t tell him why he insisted on coming. Holt’s getting frustrated. Do you think Kevin is finally warming up to us?” 

 

Jake just shrugged and they finally stopped to look at him.

 

“Jake are you ok? I hate to say it but you look terrible!”

 

“Wow thanks Boyle.”

 

“I’m sorry buddy but seriously you don’t look to good.”

 

“Yeah I’m aware. Look I’m gonna try to get some work done before the morning debrief.” 

 

With that Jake walks back to his desk and put in headphones trying to send a clear message that he doesn’t want to be talked to. He thought he was doing well until he felt someone’s hand on his shoulder. He did not jump out of his skin, and if he did it was only because he was a little on edge. He looked up to see Kevin standing next to him. He motioned for the man to sit down.

 

“You look awful Detective Peralta.”

 

“Yeah well I didn’t get much sleep last night.” Kevin gave him a look. “Ok I didn’t get any sleep last night, and I couldn’t eat this morning, happy?”

 

Kevin rolls his eyes at that. “Of course not Jake, but I am proud of you.” Jake just gave Kevin a small smile which he seemed not to mind. “I’ll see you in half an hour.” And with that Kevin went back into his husband’s office.

 

The rest of the group took that as permission to come over and hound Jake again. “What was that about?” 

 

“Amy I really don’t have the energy to do this right now please.” He could tell Amy was getting annoyed with him. 

 

“Come on guys, leave Jake alone, I mean he’s so lame, why don’t you focus on me.” Gina came up behind him and as he turned to her she gave him a smile. Yeah she’s awesome, she always knew when he needed someone to step in. 

 

“Come on Gina, Kevin used to hate Jake and now he’s treating Jake like he’s his son. Aren’t you even a little curious why?”

 

“Nope, Jake’s boring Amy, there are so many more interesting things to talk about.” 

 

“Ugh that’s it I give up.” And with that Amy stormed off.

 

“Thank you Gina.”

 

“No problem loser.” 

 

Jake looked at the clock. Ok five minutes he can do this. He’s not 100% sure how he managed to make it all the way to the briefing room without collapsing but he managed to make it to his chair just as his legs gave out. He barely noticed five minutes later when the Captain walked in and started the briefing. He couldn’t tell you a goddamn thing that was being said. Captain Holt could be talking about aliens that came down and murdered everyone in power and he wouldn’t have any clue. He couldn’t even find it in himself to care because he’s pretty sure that the walls are closing in and if that’s the case why is no one else freaking out. Also the room is way too hot and the air is way too thin, and why wasn’t anyone else having this much trouble breathing. 

 

“-eralt! Peralta! Jake!” Jake’s head snapped up to see a frustrated yet concerned Captain Holt repeating his name. “Were you listen to a thing I said? Are you ok?”

 

“Yes I’m fine sorry.” Jake put his head down.

 

“Ok then if y-”

 

“I’m sorry sir, um, I- I’m not ok.” 

“Would you care to elaborate or would you rather this be a private discussion?” Great now Jake was hyper aware of the amount of people in the room. He thought for a moment about calling it off now. He could say he was just feeling sick, he was nervous enough at this point where he could totally vomit on command. Then he looked up at Kevin and Terry at the front of the room, Kevin gave him a nod and Terry smiled at him. He look to each of the other detectives in the room who all had looks of concern on their faces. No, fuck it, he was going to do this. 

 

“If you don’t mind Sir I would rather talk about it here, now.” 

 

“Ok Peralta, the floor is yours.” All eyes turned on him. Yeah actually no he’s good, coming out is overrated anyway who needs people to understand them, not Jake. Who is he kidding he needs this it’s just impossible to think when the oxygen just won’t come into your lungs like it should. 

 

“So how about that game last night am I right?” Jake gave the weakest laugh he had ever heard. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Holt about to speak up before Kevin reached out and stopped him. God that man was a blessing. “I mean the ball, with the points, and the, I mean... fuck.” When did he close his eyes? Is it bad to wish for a murder? “Why the fuck is it so hard to breath in here? Since when is talking this hard?” Jake looked up at Holt then and saw genuine concern in the man’s eyes and he could feel the gears in his head turning. “This would have been so much easier if you could have all just figured it out on your own. You are all good detectives, I mean Hitchcock and Scully aren’t in their prime but the rest of you.” 

 

“Jake what are you talking about?” Amy’s anxiety seemed to be growing. She was like that, she got second hand nervousness a lot. 

 

Well he’s past the point of no return now, there’s no way he’s getting out of this. “When I was eighteen I got in a fight with my mom and I stormed out.” He could feel the confusion in the room and to be honest he wasn’t sure where he was going either. “We didn’t talk for six months. I stayed in shitty motels, in the back of bars, on the street or in parks. I’m surprised I survived six months to be honest. I mean there were plenty of people who would have been happy to kill me and at that point I’m not sure I would have fought to hard to stop them.” He couldn’t help the self deprecating laugh that came out of his mouth. He felt people sit in the once vacant chairs next to him and looked to the sides to see that Terry and Kevin had taken up post on either side of him. Gina then came and sat on the table in front of him and gave him a sad smile. He took a breath and continued. “It wasn’t all bad, the people that gave me places to stay when I told them my story were some of the best people I’ve ever met. Each with a story like mine. It wasn’t like now, where there are places for kids like me to go when they get kicked out, but there were people, if you knew where to look.” 

 

“Kids like you?” Amy asked from the next table over. He looked around the room then. His eyes settling on Holt. Jake couldn’t help the smile that slid on to his face. The man had finally figured it out. There was a new understanding in his eyes, it was that look Jake had seen in so many people’s eyes as they told him he could crash on their couch or that he should join them for dinner, their treat. It was this that finally had him convinced, he was safe here. Even if every other person in this room turned on him, which he was no longer convinced they would, he would be fine because Raymond Holt was a force to be reckoned with and he would have his back. He then saw Holt turn his attention to his husband, who was sitting next to Jake like a guard dog, and gave him a look that clearly said they were going to be talking about this later. 

 

“Um, yeah, kids like me,” he looked Amy dead in the eyes, “kids who came out to their parents with less than favorable results.” Ok that was enough eye contact for one day yup there goes the confidence and here comes the anxiety again. “See, um, when you’re born you come out a certain way and your parents have expectations for you, and for many people those expectations fall in line with who they are as a person. See my mom expected for her little baby girl to grow up, get married to a nice guy and settle down so you can only imagine what she thought when her little girl came up to her and told her he was a boy, she didn’t take it as well as I may have imagined and so I left. I have a lot of regrets about that but yeah that’s um that’s it.” 

 

There was complete silence as Jake finished his story and his anxiety was coming back full force. As the silence continued his brain invented everything that could go wrong. After what felt like 3 hours but was more like 2 minutes tops Jake couldn’t take it any more. 

 

“Ok this was obviously a mistake I’m going to get to work.” Jake got up and walked towards the door but not before Kevin reached out to grab his arm. 

 

At the same time Amy spoke up, “No Jake.” He turned back sitting back in his chair still not wanting look at any of his coworkers. “It wasn’t a mistake, I promise. It’s just…” Yup here it comes, the ‘we didn’t expect this from you’ or ‘you don’t look trans’ or god forbid ‘what was your name before’ “Is this what’s been upsetting you?” Oh well that was unexpected.

 

“Um mostly yeah. I mean the whole thing with Alex hit a little close to home I guess.” 

 

“Shit man why didn’t you speak up? We’ve all got your back no matter what.” Rosa spoke up then. 

 

“I just didn’t know how you would take it I guess. I was scared I would lose my job, or you wouldn’t want to work with me.” 

 

“That’s ridiculous buddy, we’re best friends for life and you know that.” Boyle was obviously not hopping aboard the hate train so that was a good sign for their friendship, which Jake has to admit, he was worried about losing the most. 

 

“Detective Peralta.” Jake’s eyes shot to Holt as he spoke. “First of all, addressing your concerns with your job, I am horrified you would have thought I would permit such a thing to happen. You are the best detective on this force and nothing you’ve shared today changes that. Second, I’m sorry you felt it so difficult to come forward with this, I know how difficult what you just did is and so I apologize if we did anything that made it harder.”

 

Jake couldn’t help but interrupt then, “No Sir it was just my own issues.” 

 

“That’s good to hear Detective. Thirdly, I would like to tell you that I will not pretend this doesn’t matter.”

 

Terry spoke up at that, “Sir!”

 

“Jeffords please let me finish. As I was saying I will not pretend this doesn’t matter. What I will say is that nothing will change as far as our treatment of you as a detective. This will matter because every person brave enough to come out matters and I know what you just did doesn’t feel like being brave I will tell you it makes all the difference for the next person waiting to come out. This whole thing must matter to you, or else it wouldn’t have been so hard, so it matters to us too. Trust me it helps every single LGBTQ person walked through that door, victim or accused, know that there is someone here who won’t prosecute them just for who they are. Finally I would like to say, I am proud of you Jake.”

 

Jake wasn’t crying, no way, never. “Thank you Captain.”

 

Holt just nodded and addressed the rest of the room, “Now get to work, I expect to have all your paperwork in by the end of the day.”

 

Jake smiled as the room dispersed. It’s good to know somethings will never change.


End file.
